Waiting to wait

This will be a quick update because I’m exhausted tonight!  I think I may actually get to bed somewhat early!! (whaaaaaat?!?! Meeee?!?! Haha)  J 

First of all- - I hope everybody had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving!!!!  (Ours was nice…. We realize that there is a CHANCE this could have been our last Thanksgiving as non-parents!! ….. Crazy, huh?!  I HOPE we have our child/children by this time next year!! Wouldn’t that be AWESOME?!?!)  J

Just to break it down plain and simple- - we are still WAITING to WAIT.  We are WAITING to get a call from our case worker so we can MOVE FORWARD and get our home visit scheduled!!!! (So THEN we can get on the waiting list!!)

I’ve been emailing with the agency and they are waiting for two final documents before we can officially move forward.  The last things they need are both of our psychological evaluation results.  Do you even understand how frustrating that is to me?!?!  We had our psychological evaluations on September 8!!!! (Over 2 months ago!!!!)  I’ve been calling the psychologist for two weeks requesting that he send in the reports.  He finally called me back LAST Monday and apologized for getting behind.  He assured me that he’d get them to our agency by this PAST Monday.  You better believe I checked with our agency on Monday and again yesterday and….. THEY STILL DO NOT HAVE THEM!!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrr…..

In a way this gives me a complex- - - - like- - - - are we THAT complicated?!?!  Is something WRONG with us?!?!  Is THAT why it’s taking him forever to complete the reports?!?!  L  But surely not…… RiGhT?!?!

I’ll just have to take Mr. Psychologist at his word that he got behind…… and try not to read into it.  I mean, it was an intimidating enough process to begin with… and now this….

*sigh

So,…. that’s it!  We’re just  w a i t i n g  on these last few steps before we can get on the waiting list to officially wait!  I can’t WAIT to be WAITING for REAL!!!! J

“The longer you wait for something, the more you’ll appreciate it when you get it.  Cause anything worth having is definitely worth waiting…” ~Anonymous  (Can I get an AMEN up in here?!) J

One of those days

I had “one of those days” today.  Maybe it was the rain or the grey sky…..  or just the simple fact that I am aching to be a mommy.  

Of course every day I want to be a mommy but some days are just sadder than others. 

I had a full day of appointments/meetings.  You’d think that in my hustle and bustle my mind would not be completely consumed with “all-things-mommy”.  Oh, but it was.  L  My time driving from meeting to meeting was spent dreaming about when we’ll have our child, what gender he/she will be, what race, what age, what personality, etc.  I even daydreamed about all of the kiddie music we will listen to in the car together.  All of the smiles, laughs, cries and sleepless nights.  I can imagine so clearly embracing our child and gazing into his/her eyes.  There are no words strong enough to express this deep yearning and extreme ache.  How can I miss a child that I haven’t even physically seen yet? 

………. But I do.  I miss my child.  I want my child to come home.

(Sigh)

So I got home and immediately started cleaning.  This is my stress-release type therapy.  It’s a clear sign that I am angry, upset or just plain gloomy if I’m going 90-to-nothing, on my hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floors.  My precious husband is aware of this.  J  He immediately got out the Pledge and started dusting the house, cleaned Rascal’s kitty litter, took out the trash AND cleaned the inside of the microwave!  Bless his sweet little heart.

We both sat down and exhaled in pure fatigue.  Without saying a word, we knew.  We knew where this mental, emotional and now physical exhaustion was coming from.  We knew that this adoption journey, albeit it joyful at most times, can be downright “dirty” at others. 

After a few short moments, Erik said, “Well, I don’t know where you’re going to find your surprise!?!”  I was confused.  ????  I thought he was referring to all the cleaning he just did, but he wasn’t……..  Long story short, he had emailed me a gift certificate for a 60 minute massage!!!! (The message on the certificate just said, "SURPRISE!!")  Oh how very sweet.  J  And he timed it so perfectly!!  Thank you, God, for a compassionate and considerate husband.  Of course he is many, many other wonderful things but today I am especially thankful for those two characteristics.  J

I am also extremely thankful that God can take a sad day and turn it into a joyful one.  And thank you, Father that tomorrow is a NEW day.  My desire to hold our child will of course remain the same but I trust that the ache will be transformed into joyful anticipation and excitement.  There ARE marvelous things in store and I WILL enjoy every step along the way.  Our loving God is unfolding our own personal love story and I cannot wait for a new little person (or more!!) to be added to the mix! J

"Every child born into the world is a new thought of God, an ever-fresh and radiant possibility." ~Kate Douglas Wiggin

Closet Nesting

I may have already mentioned this- - but our Home Study paperwork is turned in!!  I thought the very next step was a home visit.  It sort of is, but before it is scheduled, we’re supposed to get a call from our caseworker informing us what all needs to be in our profile (aka- - basically a scrapbook for the birthmothers to look through).  We’re still waiting on that call!! J  They say after the call we can go ahead and start working on the profile, we’ll have a couple of appointments with our caseworker, THEN we’ll have a home visit……. Come on with it!! J

I can only imagine the “deep cleaning” we will do for our home visit.  I “know” they won’t walk in with a white glove, sweeping it across all surfaces…….. BUT……  I’ll want it spotless “just in case”.  Haha

Even though I’m sure our home visit probably won’t be for another few weeks (at best) I’ve already started feeling the urgency to get our house clean and in order.  I printed out a Cleaning Schedule and have it on the refrigerator.  J  (I’m sure you can imagine the excitement Erik conveyed when I showed him this schedule. Haha)  This is just to maintain a clean house so when we have our Home Visit scheduled we can focus on the “deep cleaning”.  

I’m a fairly organized person in general.  I LOVE for everything to have a place.  But things just “having their place” is no longer sufficient to me.  Now I’m on this kick where I feel that everything should have its own tub or basket.  I’m talking under cabinets, in closets, etc.  I was putting boxes in my closets and had plans to cover them with fabric (an idea I found online).  I thought it was such a grand idea until my mom informed me that you can buy those little cloth basket things for like $1 or $2.  That same day I went and bought about 10 cloth basket things and I need MORE!  It may be overkill but I am LOVING having everything grouped together in different baskets!  Now when I open our bathroom closets or look under the sinks I feel such joy.  J  ahhhh….  The small joys in life. 

I think I’m kind of pre-nesting.  You know, preparing for a child.  Since my focus right now is our closets….I guess you could call it closet nesting?? Haha!  I’m thinking: we get more organized, then our time spent cleaning is more efficient, then we’ll have more quality time to spend with each other and with our child in the near future!  J 

I love thinking about getting things in such order before a child enters our lives.  We’re….hmm…. well, probably more like I’m thinking about all of these different “systems” we should have in place so we can have a structured household when our sweet baby comes home!  Erik is so very kind to entertain these ideas with me.  J  I know he thinks I’m crazy and over-ambitious when it comes to all of my “systems”.  If nothing else, it’s fun talking about them and preparing our house for our sweet baby!  We may still be quite a ways away from our child but we sure feel like we’re a huge step closer!! 

I used to feel like “one day” I’ll be a mommy.  “One day” we’ll experience what it’s like to be parents.  “One day” we’ll have a sweet baby to love and cherish.  One day, one day, one day.  I always wondered- - when will it happen??....... But God is blessing us NOW.  It IS happening!!  We may not have our child in our arms YET….. but we know that God is working on that.  J  Thank you, Lord for strengthening our faith through all of this!!!!

“Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it.”  Hebrews 11:1 NCV

Please continue praying with us along this journey!  Thank you!! J

Pets and Parenting

(Adoption non-update update:  We’re just waiting on our home visit to be scheduled!)

I worked from home all day today, which is wonderful.  BUT you probably all know that I have two very spoiled pets.  I am aware that I spoil them to pieces and most days they do not get on my nerves.  J  BUT today I had a lot to get done and they both demanded my attention.  All.  Day.  Long.

I seem to be the default “go-to” caregiver to both Zoe and Rascal and clearly I am the “go-to” caregiver when I’m the only one home!  Whether it’s Zoe bringing me her toys indicating she wants to play or Rascal jumping up on my desk and getting in front of my work computer demanding my undivided attention…… they.  are.  needy.  (I love them, mind you…….  But they are needy.)  J

I do not have a picture of Zoe from today but no matter what I am doing, she makes herself involved in it.  Here is a typical mid-day occurrence involving my sweet attention-craving pup.

It’s a miracle that I got everything done with so many distractions today, but after a long day…. my work was complete!   I was soooooo looking forward to a nice hot shower before I had to start cooking supper.  I turned my music up and climbed into the steamy hot shower.  Ahhhhhh……  Finally……  Some alone time.  No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no playing fetch, no filling water or food bowls….. nothing. 

Or so I thought.  What do you know….. my sweet needy kitty jumped up in between the shower liner and curtain and made himself comfortable laying on the top of the bathtub.  He decides to continually meow at me and paw at the liner.  I kept saying- - “Rascal honey…. Give me a minute!”

When I got out of the shower, I shut him out of the bathroom so I could have some privacy for cryin’ out loud!  ………….. Well, when I opened the door this is what I saw………….

Bless his little heart.  Look at that face.  So sweet. 

My little temper tantrum this evening of wanting “me time” made me have a realization.  Even though it’s a cat and dog needing me all day long, I think I got a glance of how moms feel.  I’ll take it as God preparing me for days to come.  J  I can see how it may be overwhelming at times and sometimes just down right frustrating being a parent.  But I have Rascal and Zoe to thank because they’re breaking me in “real good”.  J     

So, come on God.  We're ready. J I welcome a baby/child/children into our family with open arms!  We've got lots of love to go around and realize that it will not always be lollipops and gumdrops.  BUT I do believe that we will always appreciate and consider ourselves blessed to be "needed" by our children.  It will be impossible to forget how long we've prayed, yearned and ached to be parents.  We will not take it for granted.  Ever. 

(Here's a quote I saw on Pinterest.... It's got to be in our child's room.  It speaks volumes to how cherished our child/children will be.)

"You are the poem I dreamed of writing, the masterpiece I longed to paint.  You are the shining star I reached for in my ever hopeful quest for life fulfilled.  You are my child.  Now with all things I am blessed."

Change

I love how all of the leaves are changing to beautiful bright colors!  Each fall season I can never decide if the orange or red leaves are my favorite.  J 

The past couple of days I’ve found myself reflecting a lot on change in general.  You know that quote:  “The only thing constant in life is change”?  That is very true about lots of things.  I change a lot myself.   My priorities change, my friendships change, my goals and desires change, my perspective changes, etc. 

My moods/emotions are ever changing about everything, especially our adoption process.  I think change is good, but it can also be exhausting. 

We recently explored another adoption agency to “just see” what they were like.  They were basically the very opposite of our current agency.  They promise a shorter wait time (which is OF COURSE super appealing) and seem like a great company……  BUT they turn away 90% of the birthmothers that come to them (to ensure they place only healthy babies). 

We just couldn’t shake that.  This company basically says that we could adopt a baby in about 5 months.  WOW.  We. Want. Our. Baby. SOON!!!!  BUT- - - - - -  it is not about us.  It is not about us.  It is not about us.  ……….  (We have to remind ourselves of that a lot).  It is not JUST about US getting OUR baby.  It’s about taking care of the birthmother TOO.  It’s about accepting any child that God has planned for us.  It’s about following the path that GOD wants us to take. 

We’re glad we talked to this other company.  It really just confirmed in our minds that we’re where we need to be.  Also, we cannot ignore God’s provision for us thus far.  The amounts of money that we’ve received have been so specific to the fees associated with our current adoption agency.  He’s made it clear to us that we’re where we’re supposed to be….. so……….. we are moving forward. 

We have our Expectations Consultation this Friday with our current agency and will then be waiting for them to schedule our home visits.  After our home visits are completed and our home study is “approved” THEN we will be placed on the official waiting list!

I’m happy that we’re not changing adoption agencies.  I’ve always thought I was okay with change but lately it kind of stresses me out.  We’ve “changed” where we worship (aka church) and that was a big deal to me.  Today Erik mentioned “changing” banks and I was like- - “ohhhhhhh…… uhmmmmm.. that stresses me out..….”  He looked at me like I was crazy…  Then I realized I was.  Haha!

You know what I find great comfort in?  That our Lord does not change!!!!!!!!  J 

"I the Lord do not change…”  Malachi 3:6 NCV

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”  Hebrews 13:8 NCV     

And a few wonderful reminders:

“The Lord is kind and does what is right; our God is merciful.”  Psalm 116:5 NCV

 “God… does not want anyone to be lost, but he wants all people to change their hearts and lives.”  2 Peter 3:9 NCV

“…God is love.”  I John 4:8 NCV

Ahhhhhh……..  Thank you, Jesus.  J

Good things!!

“Good things come to those who wait.” 

We’ve been waiting and good things have come our way and we trust they’re going to continue coming!! J (AKA- - come on little sweet baby!!)

*We’ve been praying and waiting forEVER (it feels) for Erik to get a promotion in his “field” (accounting)….. and GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?!?!  On Friday, October 7- - - - HE GOT A PROMOTION!!!!!!!!  PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!

*We’ve prayed for over a year for God to reveal to us how we can use our musical talents to grow God’s Kingdom…… and GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  On Sunday, October 2- - - - HE OPENED A DOOR FOR US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (More details on this to come later)….  PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!!

*We were anxiously awaiting our Adoption Benefit Dinner on October 8 hoping to raise ½ of the birthmother fee that is due before we can get on the waiting list for our child……..  and GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  WE WERE BLESSED WITH RAISING THE ENTIRE FEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Like- - almost exactly!!  - - only $5 over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20 NLT

We are overwhelmed with all of these blessings that are being heaped on us!!  J  God is revealing His love to us through so many of YOU and we are overjoyed.  The generosity, support, love and encouragement from you all is awe-inspiring.  I really don’t have enough words to express our gratitude.  THANK YOU!!!!!!

Our next step is waiting for our home visits to be completed.  We are now at the mercy of our agency as to how fast we move forward from here.  Once our home study/visits are complete, then approved, we can officially be placed on THE waiting list.  

Meanwhile, we’ll continue saving for the placement fee (which is the bulk of what we’ll owe).  This is due when our adoption is finalized….. (in other words- - when our sweet baby is in our hands!!!!!!!!) J 

So- - that’s about it in our neck of the woods!  Lots of good, good stuff going on.  Ahhhhh….  Thank you, Jesus!! J  And thank YOU all for remembering us in your prayers!!  They’re being heard, for sure!!  We love y'all!!

“… The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”  James 5:16 NIV

All things new!

I’m battling a cold but other than that- - Life is GOOD!! 

Fall is in the air and I absolutely LOVE it!  I always love when a new season rolls around.   It’s like I get complacent in our “current” season then- - BAM!  God opens my eyes to the beauty of his creation in all new ways.  I find it really cool how “new” each season feels year after year.  J  (And side note- - how cool that WE are made “new” every DAY?!) J

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”  2 Corinthians 5:17 NKJV

And man…. how AWESOME that one day God will create a NEW Heaven and a NEW earth?!  J

“See, I will create new heavens and a new earth.  The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.”  Isaiah 65:17 NIV

Okay… I get really excited about that topic…. But I don’t have enough time at the moment to write a book.   J haha

But back to appreciating our new season, Fall….. 

I love this quote….

“Some people, in order to discover God, read books.  But there is a great book: the very appearance of created things.  Look above you!  Look below you!  Read it.  God, whom you want to discover, never wrote that book with ink.  Instead He set before your eyes the things that He had made.  Can you ask for a louder voice than that?” ~St. Augustine

“You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you.”  Nehemiah 9:6 NIV

So while I’m super busy with adoption benefit planning, adoption homework and appointments…..  I’m REALLY enjoying rediscovering God and his goodness through his incredible creation.  J

“Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson