So here's the plan

If you know me, you know that I love making plans.  All kinds of plans.  I mean, I LOVE them.  Everything about them.  I love to organize, coordinate, delegate, anticipate, etc.  I especially love that after so much time and effort has been put into a plan….. it happens.  It’s complete.  It’s accomplished.  It’s a success.  :o) 

This is all well and good when planning vacations, events, etc.  But what about planning big things?  Like, life things? 

Erik and I are continuing to pray daily about our desire to be parents.  I mentioned in my first post that we’ve always known we wanted to adopt AND have a biological child/ren.  Our PLAN has been to have a biological child first then adopt a little later.

“People can make all kinds of plans, but only the Lord's plan will happen.”  ~Proverbs 19:21 NCV

Soooo….  We are praying for God’s will/plan for our lives to be revealed to us.  Sometimes we think that God is telling us to adopt now!  What?! 

Sometimes it seems as if God is telling us that we must follow His lead and that He is leading us toward adoption.  What?!

Sometimes I think He is waiting to bless us with pregnancy after we adopt to make sure we don’t end up saying, “we never got around to adopting”….  What?!

I don’t know why all of that freaks me out so much….  We want to be parents….  We want to adopt….  We feel that God is leading us in that direction….  So what’s so scary about that?! 

I’ll tell you….  ;o)

All of the CHOICES!  Domestic (USA) or International adoption?  Open, semi-open or confidential adoption (regarding contact with birth parents)?  Infant adoption?  Older child adoption?  What kinds of illnesses are we okay with, if any? ETC….

It’s a huge decision by itself to adopt.  Then, to have to choose all of those things and then some…. is overwhelming.  I wish we could just give the agency our names and tell them to choose a child for us.  We are trying so hard to give all of this over to God and then to feel like we have to “choose” a child based on their location, age, health, etc….  wears me out.

We just have to make sure we are as in tune with the Lord as possible in making all of these decisions.  It will take time, that’s for sure.  We believe that God has created or will create a child especially for us to adopt.  !!!!!!!!  How exciting is that?!?!

So, we’ve taken the first step.  We’ve requested adoption information packets from a couple of adoption agencies and plan on attending an adoption information meeting next month.  This means we’re serious about it.  (EEK!!.... and nervous!) 

We feel that God is leading us towards adoption, so that’s the direction we’re going.  We feel that we’ve been “sitting on” this desire to adopt for when we feel like we should pursue it.  We’ve realized that’s just us trying to plan and control how and when we will grow our family.  So, we’re putting it ALL in God’s hands….

Are we still trying to conceive?  Yes!

What if we get pregnant while going through the adoption process?  Praise God!

Will we still adopt?  Yes!

Does all of this terrify us?  Yes!

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”  ~2 Corinthians 5:7 NKJV

“Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”  ~ Hebrews 11:6 NIV

 

The Misunderstanding

This post is off the subject of us trying to conceive.... I just could not resist sharing this with ya'll....  :o)

(For those of you that don't know already, I am an Independent Support Coordinator.  Basically what that means is that I coordinate services for individuals that receive funding from the Dept of Mental Retardation Services to ensure they are safe, happy and living as independently as possible in their homes/communities.)

Okay, so today I was visiting one of the ladies I support at a Day Program.  While I was visiting with her, a little woman walked up and stood really closely to me.  I had never met her before so I smiled and waited a moment not knowing whether or not she could communicate verbally. 

And here's how our conversation panned out....

me:  "Hi, I'm Mallory.  What's your name?"
lady:  "We're having a party today." - - spoken very indistinctly.
me:  "oh! you're having a party today?"  (trying to confirm that's what she said)
lady:  "we are?!"
me:  "oh.. uhm.... no.... I mean,... maybe?... I thought you said you were having a party?  but I dont know....
lady:  "we are?!"
me:  "uhm... I'm really not sure....  Is it your birthday or something today?"
lady:  "It is?!"
me:  "oh!.. uhm... no?... I mean,... it might be?....but.."
lady:  "party for my birthday?!"
me:  "uhhhhhhhm,...... I'm not sure.... are you... uh...is it...... uh.... is there a party?.."
lady:  "there is?!!".....

This was extremely awkward and I kept making it worse! LOL! ....  Bless that little lady's heart.  I hope they did have a party.  And I hope it just so happened to be her birthday.  :-/

Lord, take control

Remember that post where I admitted to being a control freak?  Well, I will reiterate….

I am a control freak through and through.  This is clearly NOT a good thing. 

As I reflect on Romans 12:1, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship." , I’m humming this song and hear it playing over and over in my head….

“My heart, my mind, my body, my soul
I give to You, take control
I give my body a living sacrifice
Lord, take control, take control….”  ~Lord, Take Control

I need to allow God to take control of our current situation with trying to conceive. 

(We are not feeling hopeless, praise God.  All of YOU can take some credit for that!! God is using YOU to encourage US! THANK YOU!!) 

It’s just this whole “w  a  i  t  i  n  g” thing.  If there is ever ANY issue, problem, obstacle, etc., I am always quick to develop an action plan. - -   “What can we DO to fix the problem?” 

So here we are.  Trying to conceive.  We’ve been trying for some time now with no success.  So of course, every day I’m asking myself- - “what can I DO?”  I take my vitamin regimen regularly and am exercising but feel that I should somehow DO more.

But that’s probably just it.  What I need to DO is just TRUST GOD more.
 
I believe it is of course a great thing to take care of your body…. 
(“You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit who is in you. You have received the Holy Spirit from God. So you do not belong to yourselves, because you were bought by God for a price. So honor God with your bodies." ~ I Corinthians 6:19-20 NCV). 

I just have to balance that with giving all of my worries to God….
("Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you." ~I Peter 5:7 NCV)

and trusting Him….
("Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding.  Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success.” ~Proverbs 3:5-6 NCV)

….So here’s to overcoming that control freak within!  ;o) 

“We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer.  People may be pure in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their motives.  Commit your actions to the Lord and your plans will succeed.” ~Proverbs 16:1-3 NLT

Confessions

In some recent and not-so-recent conversations with friends, I’ve heard the following in regards to me trying to conceive….

“I think about you often but don’t want to ask how you’re doing to avoid making you upset.”

“I hate to talk about my kids in front of you because I don’t want to make you sad.”

“Does it bother you to see pregnant women?”

“Does it make you sad to hold my baby?”

“I was hesitant to tell you I was pregnant.”

I want to openly answer these questions… and then some because I feel the need to honestly express where I stand on all of this.  Please, do not be offended by anything I say.  I hope nothing comes out wrong….. 

So.... here are my answers and some “confessions.”

*Trying to conceive is always on my mind.  I want you to ask me how I am.  I need you to ask.  If I’m having a crazy low day, I will let you know that I don’t want to talk.  Chances are though; you simply asking me how I am will make me feel better.

*I want you to feel comfortable talking about your children to me.  I think your stories and your kids are precious.  No offense, but it’s not your kids that I want.  I want my own. ;o)

*I think pregnant women are adorable.  Baby bellies have always been so sweet to me.

*Sometimes it does seem like the majority of the population is pregnant and that just makes the fact that I want to be and am not more in my face.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t want others to get pregnant, though.  Again, I don’t want their pregnancies or their babies… I want my own.

*It does not make me sad to hold your babies.  I LOVE holding babies!  I don’t think anything would ever change that.  A child is a perfect, innocent, angelic miracle that is a direct gift from God.  How could one NOT love to love on that?!

*Please don’t be hesitant to share such exciting news as your pregnancies with me.  I want to rejoice with you.

*Some days I can feel sorry for myself because it seems that others get pregnant so “easily” so why does it have to be so hard for me?

*When every other female I pass at the grocery store is pregnant and I start to feel sorry for myself, I have to remind myself that it’s not like God has “this many babies” that He’s handing out and these women that I’m seeing are lessening my chances of conceiving.

*Some days I especially feel sorry for myself when I come in contact with a woman that’s pregnant AND has a child…. or two…. or three….  It’s easy for me to think- - “she already has some kids and I’m just asking for at least ONE!  JUST ONE!! COME ON!”

But I cannot be jealous of what others have. 

I have to work at it. 

And sometimes it’s very hard.

“We must not be proud or make trouble with each other or be jealous of each other.” ~ Galations 5:26 NCV

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud.” ~ I Corinthians 13: 4 NCV

“Rid yourselves of all evil, all lying, hypocrisy, jealousy, and evil speech.” ~ I Peter 2:1 NCV

“Where jealousy and selfishness are, there will be confusion and every kind of evil.” ~ James 3:16 NCV

“Wait and trust the Lord. Don't be upset when others get rich or when someone else's plans succeed.  Don't get angry.  Don't be upset; it only leads to trouble.” ~ Psalm 37:7-8 NCV

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” ~ Proverbs 14:30 NIV

Thank you for reading.  It feels good to get all of that off of my chest.  As always, prayers are welcomed and very much appreciated!! :o)

What about Erik?

Today was Father’s Day.  We enjoyed a wonderful church service and spent most of the day with my parents, honoring my dad.  We had a fun, lighthearted day.  Just the way I like it.  :o)

I can’t help but think about Erik on this Father’s Day.  Lots of times I daydream about what kind of father he will be.  Especially today I could see it all so clearly.
 
This morning, our preacher’s lesson was entitled, "Fathers as Master Craftsmen."  He dissected the verse Ephesians 6:4:  “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”  I won’t outline the entire sermon but will suggest you listen to it at http://www.northboulevardfamily.com/worship/audio/ if you’re interested!  It was wonderful.
 
The main point was that a father’s responsibility is to raise children that look like Jesus.  How?  To nourish, feed, provide for them, holistic teaching, experience, practice, exercise (don’t just TELL them the way to act.. SHOW them), interpret, give insight and wisdom. 

As we try to conceive…. and wait…. and pray…. month after month, I think…. “What about me?  I’ve always wanted to be a mom.  When will I get the chance?”  Well,…. What about Erik?  When will HE get the chance?  When will he get the chance to display a wonderful example of how a man of God should love, discipline, instruct and guide a child?  I have so much confidence in him and believe with all of my heart that he will be the kind of father that God intends for a man to be.  For our child to see the way Erik loves, respects and honors me….. I can’t wait.  To see Erik love, respect and honor our child…. I can’t wait.
 
But I must wait.

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” ~Psalm 27:14 NIV

“Those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”  ~Isaiah 40:31 NKJV

Why this is so hard

For as long as I can remember, my 3 dreams/goals in life have been:

1.) To be happily married

2.) To be a mom

3.) To be a singer

God said YES to number 1! Yay! :o)  I am incredibly blessed to be married to a wonderful, godly man. 

I followed my dream of being a singer for a while after high school (had a manager, traveled, etc), during college (auditions, performing in bands) and so forth.  I prayerfully took steps that I felt were led by God and went places I felt led to go.  After 10 long years of pursuing my dream……

God told me NO.

 

Do you even understand how heartbreaking that was for me?  I felt like- “Come on! Really?!  Are you sure?!  After all this time?! Why not?!”  I felt upset, disappointed and angry at God.  And I had/have my ways of coping.  Not that they’re the “right” ways, they’re just my ways.  I thought of possibilities of why God would have said no.  (Maybe I wouldn’t have met Erik?  Maybe I couldn’t withstand the pressures of fame?  Maybe I would’ve fallen into some temptations that would’ve ruined my life?)  Of course I’d like to think I have more confidence in who I am in Christ and believe none of those things are true.  But it’s easier for me to think about those things being a possibility rather than have pent-up anger against my God, Who is so loving and faithful.

So, do you see where I am?  Why struggling with getting pregnant is sometimes overwhelming and terribly scary for me?  Out of my 3 dreams/goals….. God has said YES to one and NO to one.  That leaves one more- - To be a mom.  What will His answer be to that?  It could be yes.  Or it could be no.  And no matter what….. I have to be okay with it.

“I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.”  ~Jeremiah 29:11 NCV

I have some not-so-happy moments.  I sometimes cry myself to sleep.  At times, I do not want to be around people because I’m busy having a pity party for one.  Some days I’m too numb to cry.  Other days, it seems all I want to do is cry. But among all bad things, God is good and blessings come out of every single situation.

“We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him.” ~Romans 8:28

Why so happy?

I have not had many times in my life (praise God) where I have hit rock bottom.  I’ll be honest about that.  Some may say I’ve had things “handed to me on a silver platter”, that I’m “living on Easy Street”, that I “get everything I want” or that “everything comes so easily” for me.  Well let me be honest about that too…….. I cannot stand hearing any of those things.  

I think the above assumptions are because people perceive me as being super happy.  I AM happy!  I love life, I love the Lord, I love my husband, I love people, I love God’s creation, my family, my friends…. Just everything. 

Is my happiness based on my life being super easy?  No. 

Have I had it easier than some?  Yes.

Do I feel that I’ve reached this childlike happiness in the healthiest way?  Not necessarily.  

Do I feel that I have a healthy perspective of my childlike happiness now?  Absolutely.

Growing up I would literally put negative memories/events out of my head.  I somehow could make myself not think about them and then forget about them.  (Doesn’t seem healthy, I know).  As a child and teenager I just wanted to have fun and thinking about anything negative really drained me.  I am a preacher’s daughter and basically grew up living in a glass house.  My family faced lots of pressures and Satan attacked us intensely many times.  So not only did I choose to not dwell on bad memories, I chose to put all negative things out of my mind.  I mean, I literally have a hard time remembering details about some of my past.  Honestly, I’m thankful for that.

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  ~Philippians 4:8 NIV

Now that I am older (and I’d like to think- more mature) ;o) I do not run from controversy, conflict or troubles.  I am not in denial that bad things happen.  Of course I still despise negativity.  I feel that it wastes precious time.  If we reflect on God’s goodness, mercy and love, how can we stay in a funk for very long?  I believe it is completely healthy and important to express our every emotion to God.  Even if that means tons of questions, anger, hurt, etc.  But I also believe we have to move on from it fairly quickly.  We have low moments and get back up.  We’re living for so much more than our own desires.

“We are happy because of the hope we have of sharing God's glory.  We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience.  And patience produces character, and character produces hope.”  ~Romans 5: 2-4 NCV

Since several of you have asked, I’ll address the question:  How am I so happy/cheerful all the time? …. Honestly, by trying to take the focus off myself and placing it on others around me.  As soon as I get wrapped up in “me”, I feel sorry for myself and get all out of whack.  Yuck.  Why do we do that to ourselves?  Those moments stink!  Christianity is NOT ABOUT ME.  I have to remind myself of that every day. 

We’re called to be like Jesus. 

“In your lives you must think and act like Christ Jesus.”  ~Philippians 2:5 NCV

What did Jesus say was the greatest command? 

“Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”  ~Matthew 22: 37-39 NIV

What is love?

*  “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud.  Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others.  Love does not count up wrongs that have been done.  Love takes no pleasure in evil but rejoices over the truth.  Love patiently accepts all things.  It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures.  Love never ends.” ~ I Corinthians 13: 4-8 NCV

*  “God is love. Those who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.”  ~ I John 4:16 NCV

*  (Jesus said) “ Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” ~ John 13:35 NLT

(I guess for me happiness = love.  I’ll be happy to talk more about joy, happiness, etc in greater detail in a later post if you all want me to.  It can come easily but you have to remember that like love, happiness is a choice.  And you must be intentional.  Intentional with your every thought and every action.) 

I love all of you and appreciate your love today and will especially appreciate it tomorrow.  In tomorrow’s post I’ll address some heartache I’ve had and am having now.  My current situation is the most troubling I’ve dealt with so far.   It is clearly a daily (sometimes hourly) struggle to rise above our disappointments, heartaches and trials. 

Thank you for being here for me.  You are challenging me to understand and explain myself which is helping me grow.  Thank you for reaching out to me, for your questions, concerns and for your prayers.  You all are blessings.  ♥

I Need You

Yesterday after receiving your comments and "likes" on Facebook, comments on here, private messages and emails, I felt so encouraged, supported, loved and understood.  I didn't realize I needed the support until I had it.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.... 

(I feel the need to reflect and kind of go off track for a second and talk about a side issue of mine.  Bare with me.)  ;o)

I love people so much and I love caring for others.  I love to listen to others’ problems, give advice, encourage them, etc.  I love that we are called to carry the burdens of others and rejoice when others rejoice (Galations 6:2, Romans 12:15).

But I am a control freak.  I want to handle and control my life, my problems, my worries, my concerns.  I am independent.  I can do whatever I set my mind to and do not give up easily.  When I need help, its me and God.  I talk to Him, He listens.  He talks to me, I listen… and we’re good.  I don’t like to need other people.  I like to be needed, I just don’t like to need anyone.  I’ve gotten by like this just fine. 

Until now.

You would think since I love people so much and love the whole process of sharing each other’s experiences that I would be quick to turn to others when I myself am faced with trials.  I am not.  What a beautiful gift God has given us!  I mean, to turn to God’s children, your friends and family, and have them love you, comfort you and strengthen you with His love…. its beautiful.  So why, oh why, is it so hard for me to reach out to people?!  I cannot make myself pick up the phone and call a friend when I'm having a really sad day.  Why not?!

I’ll admit, I’ve been let down by people before….. lots of times.  But who hasn’t, right?  I do not feel that I’m holding a grudge for it?  (maybe I am?)  Or am I being too proud to say “I’m weak”?  Maybe I’m fearful of being judged?  Or is it that I do not want to weigh someone else down with my issues when I know they’re dealing with their own problems?  Maybe I’m waiting for someone to simply ask me how I am…. Maybe then I would open up and lean on them..??  Or wait.  Maybe I’m just making excuses. 

God made it clear to me several weeks ago that I need to work on this.  He can love me and speak to me through the people around me.  I have to allow Him to do so. 

I started this blog yesterday thinking it was only going to be a way for me to organize my thoughts, track our process and progress in our joyful journey.  Well, God has already made it clear to me (through all of you) why He placed the idea in my mind to start this blog. 

I. Need. You.   And that’s okay with me.  :o) 

"The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense."  Proverbs 27:9 (NLT)

This is me, being real

I have lots of thoughts swarming around in my head and lots of decisions to make.  I talk to my husband, family and friends and keep a prayer journal but I feel that I need more organization to my thoughts.  So, here is my attempt at having my thought processes organized.... a Blog.  ;o) 

(Disclaimer:  I do not expect lots of, if any, followers.  I'd rather at least feel like I'm talking to someone else, instead of myself while organizing my thoughts.  This Blog is a way for me to feel completely transparent.  I've always been a "what you see is what you get" type of person and even in some of the most personal things, I find great peace and comfort in.... well.... putting it all out there, I guess.) 

I guess this first post will be a little bit of our history to bring you up to date on everything.

Erik and I have been happily married for 5 years!  We both have always known we wanted to be parents but never knew when we would "know" we were ready.  If you know me at all, you know how highly I think of Erik.  He is my everything.  He is godly, compassionate, loving, patient, wise, gentle, sincere, forgiving, meek, understanding, responsible, polite, talented, romantic, consistent, comforting, honest, supportive.... I could go on.  We have thoroughly been on cloud 9 our entire marriage.  We love spending time with each other and have wanted for nothing more than to continue in our joyful bliss. (sorry if thats sickening.. haha)

Well, we wanted nothing more until December 2009.  We decided it was time to SHARE THE LOVE!  We have so much love for each other and it brings us to tears just imagining loving a child,.. our child,.. that God chooses to bless us with.  We decided we were "ready" for all of the extra responsibility and stress but most importantly ready to grow our family and grow in our love for one another and for the Lord. 

We have always known that we wanted to adopt AND have a biological child/ren.  Our plan was: once we're ready, we'll have a biological child or children then adopt a little later in life when we're more financially secure.  As we were prayerfully trying to conceive, some things led us to putting it on hold for a few months.  We felt God was telling us to wait.  We had no idea why... but thats part of faith, right?  Just do what you are told.  Praying every day, asking God what He wanted for us, we felt we had an answer.  We started trying to conceive again in June 2010.  In December 2010 I decided to finally go to my OBGYN and to a Naturopathic Doctor and see if something was wrong since we still had not conceived.  Basically I was told that I wasn't ovulating, had elevated levels of estrogen and *might* have PCOS (polycystic ovarian sydrome), although my bloodwork did not support that diagnosis.  I was given some prescriptions by my OBGYN but chose to start a regimen of supplements given to me by my Naturopathic Doctor. 

So here we are, mid June 2011 and are still praying, still hoping and still waiting.  God is revealing to us some exciting things and I will post again later to bring you even more up to date. 

Thank you for listening,.. err... reading.  We are praying for our desires to be aligned with God's will.  We would appreciate your prayers too as we try so hard to completely give this over to God..... Thanks again! ♥