Expecting the best

I was trying to wait to write another post until we had some good news. I really wish I had some good news to share with you today.  I do not.  L

We are still just waiting to wait.  Erik and I have decided that as soon as we get officially “approved” and are “waiting” that we will start painting the baby’s room and shopping for baby furniture!  J  (We’ve already started pricing things!!) J

We are apparently “so close” to be officially waiting- - aka “available” for birthparents to choose us. 

I am very discouraged that these last little steps are  d r a g g i n g  by. 

January 5:  Home Visit

January 9:  Individual Interviews with CW1.

January 13:  Last interview with CW1.

January 23: CW1 still waiting on system log-in.

February 5:  CW1 received log-in information for our agency’s system.

February 10: CW1 finished submitting our Home Study to the Director.

February 16:  CW1 said that the Director is making some minor changes to our Home Study- “nothing of content, just for clarity’s sake”.

February 23:  CW1 received Home Study back from Director to make some revisions herself.

February 27:  CW1 said her computer wasn’t merging some of our paperwork correctly so she’s working on that and will “have it back to the Director within a few days.”

*sighhhh…  Why does every. single. thing. have to take “a few days”????

Logically I know that all of this doesn’t matter.  That God knows who our child is and no computer glitch is going to make us “miss our chance” at adopting our child/children. 

But STILL.  *sighhhh….  “Knowing” that doesn’t make it hurt less.  

I am way past ready to be a mom.

Pregnancies and babies are alllllll around me.  I’m talking strangers, friends, colleagues, etc.  I’ve had a rough month and the past few days have been especially rough.  I've been asking God lots of questions.  I’m at a point where I just don’t understand.  I know that God is putting certain people and certain circumstances in my path for a reason…..  I just don’t know that reason right now. 

Music is my friend and great therapy at this point in my life.  J  Here are a couple of songs (and some of the lyrics) that bring lots of comfort to me:

Whatever You’re Doing by Sanctus Real

“Whatever you’re doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You’re up to something bigger than me

Larger than life, something heavenly”

Strong Enough by Matthew West

            "I know I’m not strong enough to be

            Everything that I’m supposed to be

            I give up

            I’m not strong enough

            Hands of mercy won't you cover me

            Lord right now I’m asking you to be

            Strong enough

            Strong enough, for the both of us.

           

            Cause I’m broken

            Down to nothing

            But I’m still holding on to the one thing

            You are God

            And You are strong

            When I am weak”

Thank you for reading.  I expect to have some great news the next time I write a post.  J  Here’s to expecting the best!!  (Thank you for your prayers as always).  Oh- - and Happy Leap.... Year??  Happy Leap.... Day??  Hmm...  I'm confused.  haha!  Happy February 29!! J 

The Awkward Encounter

So- - yesterday I dropped our profiles off at our adoption agency.  J  It was very exciting the first time Erik dropped them off….. this time was a little anti-climactic.  I was still pretty excited though.  And of course- - I documented the occasion.

 

I arrived at our agency around 1:30pm.  I was planning on asking to see CW2 so I could finally meet her in person and just hand the profiles to her directly.  I briefly freshened in the car, double/triple checked our books then headed inside.  Before getting in the elevator, I made a stop by the restroom.  As I was washing my hands, a couple of ladies were at the other sinks.  I kept glancing in the mirror at them wondering to myself- - “could any of them be CW2?..hmm…. surely not… how weird would that be??”  After all of our awkward glances and half-smiles, we all went in different directions after exiting the restroom. 

I waited for the elevator.  After a few short moments the doors for one opened.  I stepped onto the empty elevator and pressed floor number 4.  The doors were slowly closing when someone rushed to the elevator and threw their arm between the doors so they’d open back up.  She was frazzled and said, “sorry”.  I smiled and said, “That’s okay.”  Of course, I wondered- - “hmm.. wonder if THAT is CW2?...haha.. surely not.. There are tons of different businesses in this building..”

It was your typical awkward/silent elevator ride (not even any music was playing).  She got off (first) at the 4^th floor.  She quickly went right.  I thought, “surely not…”  I turned right and proceeded with caution.  She opened the door to our adoption agency’s office.  “No way”, I thought.  I walked in behind her.  She stopped at the first office on the left and I went straight ahead to the reception desk.  I asked to “see CW2 please”.  The receptionist paused for a moment and looked at me like I had four heads.  She seemed confused and said, “uhm.. CW2 just walked in.. was she expecting you?” 

(NO WAY!!  Oh how incredibly awkward!!  This was such a dramatic moment at the time.  CW2 and I get off to the worst start EVER before even meeting THEN we experience this awkward elevator encounter?!...... And all of this BEFORE we have to start working together?!?!  CLOSELY working together?!?!  ………..  oh brother…..)

I obviously let the receptionist know that CW2 wasn’t expecting me… That I just needed to drop our profiles off but I wanted to meet her in person since we’re on her caseload. 

We met.  It was awkward.  She wasn’t mean.  But she wasn’t nice.  (Well, not in my opinion.  I feel like I have a very high standard of “nice”.)  She was not smiley AT ALL.  Hmph.  I really don’t like it when people don’t smile.  (side note- - she appears to be around my age which for whatever reason makes it feel a little more awkward).

As soon as I got outside, I called Erik.  I was laughing so hard telling him how our awkward relationship with CW2 just got MORE awkward.  I went into every detail that I included in this post (and then some) and the entire time, as the suspense kept buiding, Erik repeatedly exclaimed, "no!" between every sentence.  LOL! 

Well, that’s about it.  We turned in our profiles and are still waiting to hear back that we’re "approved”. CW said she submitted all of our home study information this past Friday.  I heard from her today and she said that the director is “confident” about our home study but is making some small revisions.  She said, “nothing of content, just for clarity’s sake”.  I’m SO ready to be “approved” already!!!! 

At least every one of these “issues” that have been driving me nuts is getting us closer to OUR child/children!!!!  I know we’ll cherish every memory that we’re making along the way.  J 

Velcro...and Love

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, Erik revised his letter so it’s 1 page now.  I went to Kinko’s to print it on resume paper and take out Erik’s old letters and attach the new ones.  Here was my work station:

I was pretty bummed having to reassemble his letters.  Remember what a process it was the first time?  Fold, attach Velcro, attach embellishment and glue to page.  Okay, that sounds kind of easy…. But it wasn’t.  J  These pages (in the profiles) are slick so you have to press on the letter forever to make sure it adheres.  And here I was….. s  l  o  w  l  y   peeling the letters away making sure not to rip the profile book’s page!  eeeek!  (All of them came off without a problem, thank goodness!) 

While I was working on the books I decided to CHEER UP!  I thought about how I “sealed the letters with love” the first go around….. and thought to myself that this birthmother was getting a “double dose” of love!  J  Before I knew it the letters were attached and ready for Erik’s signatures!

Later that evening at home, Erik went to sign the letters.  He opened the first book and said, “Uhm.. honey??....”  By the look on his face I knew something was wrong so I rushed over to see what it was before he could get another word out.  The stinkin’ little velcro pieces had melted or something!  It was so weird!  They were sliding around and were extremely slimy and the sticky part had seeped through the paper!  Ugh!!  (I had used the left over velcro pieces that we used the first time and the ones on my letters were holding up just fine!)  I just froze.  I was soooooo discouraged, y’all.  Those letters were ruined.  L

I’ll admit, I shed some tears.  In that moment my thoughts were:  “Why does this have to be so hard?!”  “I can only stay positive for so long!” “Satan- you are on my nerves!!”  “I give up!”

Praise God that didn’t last long!  (Although Satan is for SURE still on my nerves..)  I just went today, got more velcro sticky things and printed Erik's revised letters once again.  Third time’s charm, right? J  Shew.  Let’s hope so.

On a happier note- - tomorrow is Valentine’s Day!!  J  Erik and I decided not to get each other gifts this year.  We’re just going to celebrate low-key.. Nothing extravagant- - but perfect.  We both took tomorrow off of work!  Yay!  We don’t have any plans except to just relax and hang out.  J  (We may go see a movie.)  ……  And here’s Erik’s little surprise for when he wakes up:

(Homemade heart-shaped chocolate rice crispy treats, Andes mints,

a lovely card and a fun list of "I love you more thans")

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!  Isn't love grand?  All types of love! J  Make sure to love EVERYONE a little extra tomorrow! 

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."  ~I John 4:7 NIV

Updates and Choices

Updates regarding the “Family Profile Revision Suggestion Fiasco”:

Calling the Director

*I called the director of our adoption agency on Wednesday 02/08, 10:30am:  left voicemail. 

*I called again on Thursday 02/09, 2pm:  left voicemail. 

*She called me back on Friday, 02/10 at 2pm. 

                ~She basically defended CW2 and apologized that we “felt that way” after explaining how hurtful her choice of words were.  (Not an apology….. grr..)  She went on to say that CW2 wasn’t saying that SHE thought we were selfish or desperate- - just that she was afraid the birthmothers may think that.  Got it.  BUT WHO SAYS THOSE WORDS to someone in such a vulnerable, emotional position?!  Why don’t they get it?!  Ugh.

                ~I asked her if she looked at our books and she had.  I asked her what she thought of our letters.  (Remember: one thing on their full page of requirements for the letters is to TELL YOUR STORY).  She said that what CW2 was trying to get at is that our story is just pretty sad.  She said that it would just be a lot of emotion for the birthmother to try to handle while she’s reading the letters.  (I can see where she’s coming from….. but I can’t help that our story is “sad”. L *sigh)

               

What We're Going To Do

*Our original plan was to request another CW.  BUT with all of the turnover lately, we’re afraid that everyone is overloaded with work.  We figured it would make matters worse (assuming the request would get back to CW2) if both CWs have full caseloads, we requested a new CW and they couldn’t change us.  So- - we’re staying with CW2, I suppose.  

*Erik and I decided we were NOT going to change the last picture/page.  We spent a lot of time on that and poured our hearts into it.  If the birthmother thinks it’s selfish and doesn’t “get it” then we aren’t for her and she isn’t for us.

*We did decide that we could shorten Erik’s letter some.  It is a one full page now (instead of 1 ½) and we only took out some minor details (i.e. some dates, etc.).  Our complete story is still there, though.  Because it’s OUR story.  We added this statement near the beginning of Erik’s letter to try to “explain” the reason for our detail…. (So hopefully we won’t appear “desperate” for crying out loud)…. 

~“We want nothing more than for you to experience an overwhelming sense of peace in your decision so we want to share as much of ourselves with you as possible.  We hope that our letters give you a glimpse of who we are, where we’ve been and our hopes for the future.”

Talking With CW2

*I emailed our revisions to CW2 on Friday and asked her to let me know what she thought.  She emailed back and said we could drop our profiles back off whenever we were ready.  (By the way- - Erik was so upset with the "selfish/desperate" conversation that he went that same day on his lunch break to pick up our books.) 

~Soooo- - I called her.  I asked her specifically what she thought of our letters- if they were better.  She said, “They’re fine.”  I paused…. And said, “no, really.  Do you think we need to change something else?”  She said, “They’re fine.”  I was not okay with that response.

~To make a long story short, we hashed it out.  Not aggressively- - just honestly.  I told her how I felt and about some of our disappointments along the way with the agency.  I told her that I talked to the director earlier about everything.  I said that it wasn’t her fault that we’ve felt pretty much “on our own” and maybe that’s part of why I took her “critique” so personally.  I explained the obvious to her:  that she’s read all about us and may feel like she knows us well but she’s a stranger to us.  We agreed that we have complete opposite personalities.  She said she’s just a blunt, realistic person and does not sugar coat things.  (clearly!)  She said that normally she lets her families know that up front but our situation is different since we worked with our contracted CW first.  Anyway, she vented some about her frustrations over how they’re doing things differently now, the turnover, etc.  She apologized for us having a chaotic/non-structured experience this far.  We kind of bonded for a split second over all of that.  I said, “Well surely we can be friends after all this.”  She laughed and said, “What are you talking about?! I’m already your friend!”  I said, “Well then maybe I’ll be yours.”  We both laughed. J

*She definitely said some things that rubbed me wrong even in our long conversation trying to “mend things”.  It’s going to take me a minute to get adjusted to her personality and it may take me a little bit- - but I’m determined to like this girl.  Surely I will. J Even though it's easier to blame CW2 for "choosing" harsh words- - I'm trying to remind myself (repeatedly) that I have a CHOICE in this too.  I can choose to be bitter at her but I am going to choose LOVE.

(I made the revision to our profiles today and was going to tell y’all about that…..  but this post is way too long already!  I’ll write about that tomorrow.)  J

Thank you so much for loving us and for your kind words, support and prayers!
Here's to a great week, friends!  Let's forgive and love each other to pieces!!

"God has chosen you and made you his holy people.  He loves you.  So you should always clothe yourselves with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other, and forgive each other.  If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you.  Even more than all this, clothe yourself in love.  Love is what holds you all together in perfect unity.  Let the peace that Christ gives control your thinking, because you were all called together in one body to have peace.  Always be thankful."   ~Colossians 3:12-15 NCV 

*Gasp!

Update from last night’s post:

(By the way- - apparently since our CW was contracted out to do the homestudy part, once it's "approved" our case will be handed off to CW2).

I called CW2 this morning at 10am.  I couldn’t stand just waiting on her to call to tell us what we needed to change in our Family Profiles. 

She hemmed and hawed and seemed so hesitant to just SAY IT ALREADY.  She said that she hadn’t called me yet because she wanted to “get her thoughts together”.  At this point I’m ESPECIALLY thinking WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?!

Just to get to the point- - - - she finally got around to saying that the last picture of me and Erik may come across as “selfish” to the birthmothers.  *gasp!*  SELFISH?!?!  Did she really just say that?!?!  (yes, yes she did).

Here’s the page that she’s referring to:

She said that the birthmothers may look at “Help Make Our Heart Complete” and think- - “what about my heart??”

Whaaaaaaat?!?! 

We understand that it is of course a difficult decision to choose an adoption plan for the child you give birth to.  BUT our thought was that she may find peace in knowing that through her unfortunate heartache, she is blessing another couple with great joy!  Well, according to CW2, that just comes across as SELFISH.  L 

She suggested that we just take that last page out.  Okay.  That can’t happen.  First of all, there’s a back to that page that’s full of pictures.  AND- - the group shots of our families HAVE to stay!!  Ugh…. 

Secondly (and lastly)- - CW2 said that our letters to the birthmothers were too long.  The guidelines said that each letter was to be 1-2 pages (preferably 1).  They are each 1 and ½ pages.  I told her in order to include EVERYTHING that was on their long list of things to include in the letter- - it was nearly impossible for us to have shorter letters.  She went on (hemming and hawing) and finally said that we were very detailed about our journey to adoption (when we started trying to conceive, how we began praying about adoption, etc) and that the birthmothers probably will not care about that detail and may perceive  the "timeline” as us being “desperate”.  *double gasp!*  DESPERATE?!?!  Did she really just say THAT?!?!  (oh yeah, she sure did).

I was holding it together pretty well until that moment.  I was silent.  It was awkward for a few seconds.  Then she said, "Do you know what I mean?"  I was silent.  Finally I said something like- - "You know- this whole process is just frustrating."  She asked, "What do you mean?"  ...........  Well, she asked......... So I told her exactly what I meant....

I said, "We were given guidelines and cut loose to complete these books.  We spent hours and hours... no- - DAYS and DAYS on these letters and books.  We poured our HEARTS into every. single. aspect. of the profiles.  No one followed up with us about them.  No one had any input WHILE we were working on them.  But AFTER all of the time, effort, heart and emotion that we poured into them...... THEN we're told - - they're not good enough.  It was reiterated throughout the guidelines to make sure that we were creative and made sure that our personalities were shining through.  And now we're told that our books and letters make us look selfish and desperate."  (Unfortunately, I was crying at this point.)  L

And here is where she tried back pedaling.  (I despise back pedaling).  She said something like- - "Oh, no, no, no.  I'm sorry that is what you heard."  

I said, "That's what I heard because you actually SAID the words selfish and desperate."  And, CW2 said, "These are only suggestions.  I'm just suggesting that you make the changes.  You dont have to.  And if you don't, it won't hurt my feelings and I won't hold it against you of course.  I will still go to bat for you guys like I do for all of the other families." 

First off- I'm so glad that HER feelings aren't going to be hurt if we don't change our profiles.  Meanwhile, my feelings are waaaaay beyond hurt.  I feel personally attacked.  I just do.

Also- uhm....  I have a problem with "I will still go to bat for you guys like I do for all of the other families."  GO TO BAT?!  What in the world.  I was under the impression (actually a very CLEAR message was given at Orienation back in August) that there was no "going to bat" for families.  That we were all on an "even playing field".  That the birthmothers chose the adoptive families based on their PROFILES. 

*sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I was so excited about our profiles and now I feel super insecure about them.  I talked/cried to my mom earlier and she helped.  A LOT.  Moms always do, right? J

I do plan on calling the director tomorrow.  Clearly, we got off on the WRONG foot with CW2.  She has made a terrible impression on us and has offended us beyond words.  

I will keep you posted.  And thank you for your prayers.

Good news, Bad news

I was trying to wait and post when I had some good news…. 

Well- - I have some good news and bad news.  Let’s go with the good news first.

We received an email from our case worker last night that she was “FINALLY” able to Log-in to our agency’s system.  YAY!!  She said this meant that she just had to copy and paste all of our info and “TADAA”!  (That was our good news.)

For some reason I felt like I needed to hold back on celebrating just yet.  This was the news we were waiting for but something just didn’t feel right.  I was afraid we’d have yet another hurdle to jump through. 

Well, guess what.  L 

Our case worker (let’s call her CW) emailed us tonight and said that she was talking with another case worker (we’ll call her CW2) this afternoon.  Our CW said that CW2- (whom we’ve NEVER met and is a “new hire” to our agency) thinks that- - “some changes need to happen to your family profile, that hopefully you’ll be able to do without having to make new ones.  She seemed to think that was doable.”

Okay…..  DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THIS?!?!  These are the “Family Profiles” that we worked on for HOURS and HOURS!!!!!!  Not to mention the fact that we spent $87 on the REQUIRED FOUR “FAMILY PROFILES”!!!! 

They “cut us loose” with a page of guidelines which we strictly followed.  What in the WORLD would need to CHANGE?!  And “HOPEFULLY” the change can be made without us having to make new ones?!?!?!  Oh.  My.  Goodness.  Y’all- - my nerves are shot.  We BETTER not have to do new ones!!  I will FREAK out!!

She sent this email at 4:30pm today.  We did not get it until after 5pm.  Why in the WORLD would she think that was a good idea- - to leave us with that vague statement just for us to fret over it all night?!  L  So- - I emailed her hoping to get an answer tonight. 

My email was simply this:  “Do you know what changes she thinks we need to make??  We followed their list of guidelines. (deep breaths)”.

I got a reply from her already, which was exactly this:  “I will let you two talk about it, I know she plans to call you soon.  All in His timing!”

What.  In.  The.  World!?!?!?!?  And why have CW2 call me?!  She’s not our case worker!!  I’ve never met her!!  I am honestly so angry right now.  We are clearly emotionally invested in this whole process and encountering all of these “snags” just trying to officially WAIT on our child is beyond draining.  

You always hear that in your adoption journey waiting is the hardest part…….  Well if it’s harder than TRYING to wait- - Lord- - please help me now.

I really hate that I’ve had such negative updates lately.  L  Surely things will turn around soon.  Surely. 

"...after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation."  ~I Peter 5:10 NLT

Debbie Downer

That’s me today.  Well, the past couple of days!  Debbie Downer, Negative Nelly…..  however you want to put it…. I need to vent!  Bear with me, please.  J

Our wonderful caseworker (for real wonderful…. I’m not being sarcastic here) is finished with our home study!  She has been for a little while now.  She has stayed in touch with us and has been super encouraging.  LOVE her. 

But our sweet case worker has been waiting for OVER A MONTH on a simple LOG-IN from our adoption agency.  She needs this in order to SUBMIT all of our HOME STUDY stuff so it can be approved!!  Grrrr……  There have been some “major changes” at our agency- - which includes staff turnover.  I get it.  That happens.  But KEEP FUNCTIONING for cryin’ out loud!  Grrr…. 

So that’s basically it.  Well, in a very small nutshell.  I’m just bummed!  In my exaggerated imagination I can just see tons of birthmothers rushing through the agency's doors and flipping through tons of family profiles and ours NOT being in that bunch because of a simple stinkin’ thing like a LOG-IN holding us up!!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I know, I know.  God is in control.  His timing is perfect.  All of this delay does not change the fact that He knows who our child is.  No matter what- - our child remains the same. 

It’s easy to “know” that but my frustration and fretfulness is setting in!  Ugh.  Not fun.  I’ve been “waiting” since December 2009 to be a mommy.  Please, Lord, let it come soon.  Please.

Okay, that’s it for now.  Sorry to be so down tonight.  Yuck.  I’ll check back in when I have GOOD news!  J

"Be joyful because you have hope. Be patient when trouble comes, and pray at all times." Romans 12:12 NCV