Is this my fault?

I will definitely be blogging about every step of this exciting adoption process.  But, I just want to make something clear……. 

We are still trying to get pregnant. 

This means that the hurt from not getting pregnant month after month is still there.  My posts will probably flip back and forth between being excited about adopting to being sad about not conceiving.  This is just because my desires are 50/50.

I’ve mentioned before that we've always wanted biological AND adopted children.  It doesn’t matter to us which comes first.  We just want both.

We have applied to adopt domestically and are SO excited about it!! YAY!!!!!!  We are already daydreaming about what gender our baby will be, what his or name should be, what race he or she will be, etc.  (We were even turning around in the car today imagining a little carseat in the back seat and imagining how enriched our lives will be when we’re entrusted to care for a little baby angel). :o) 

The process of adoption is such a wonderful and exciting journey.  Even though the steps will more than likely seem daunting while we are eagerly awaiting our child, it’s still exciting!  To know that God already knows the child that He wants us to parent….. To know that God already knows who the birthmother of our child is….  To know that God is preparing us for this sweet child and is preparing the birthmother to choose adoption….  Is overwhelming and humbling. 

We are thrilled to be adopting and already would not trade the experience for anything.

I do want to be able to conceive TOO.  Honestly, to me, one is not greater than the other.  Adoption and conception are just DIFFERENT, obviously.  Conception is a completely different experience/miracle that I do wish to experience.

I can’t help but think that maybe…. just maybe….  it’s my fault that we’ve been unsuccessful at getting pregnant.  You see, for years I’ve been “worried” that I’d have trouble conceiving.  I verbalized it on several occasions and even stated things like, “If God really wanted to test my faith, it would be for me to struggle getting pregnant.” 

I feel like the fact that I verbalized that welcomed this "test”.  I can’t help but think of Job and these verses come to mind….

“Everything I feared and dreaded has happened to me.  I have no peace or quietness.  I have no rest, only trouble.”  ~Job 3:25-26 NCV

Everything that Job loved was taken away from him.  His life was stripped of loved ones, his belongings…. Just everything.  He says that he had feared all of that would happen…..  Then it did.  But as we know, Job remained faithful and never once cursed God through his hurt.

I may be way off, but sometimes I imagine God and Satan having a similar conversation about me like they did concerning Job.  I imagine God telling Satan to “just watch”…. That I will NOT lose faith….. That I WILL remain faithful….. NO. MATTER. WHAT.

So here I am,…… facing my deepest fears….  Sometimes I’m not able to find peace or rest.  I’m trying to be strong and I’m trying not to lose focus. 

I fear that I will never be able to get pregnant. 

If that is God’s will, then that will be okay.  HE is greater than my desires.  I will NOT lose faith and I WILL remain faithful.  NO. MATTER. WHAT.  (So take THAT, Satan!)

“God is our protection and our strength.  He always helps in times of trouble.”  ~Psalm 46:1 NCV

“So don't worry, because I am with you.  Don't be afraid, because I am your God.  I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.”  ~Isaiah 41:10 NCV

"But the Lord is faithful and will give you strength and will protect you from the Evil One."  ~2 Thessalonians 3:3 NCV

Even though I started out thinking that this is the ONE thing that God could use to test my faith...... I'm realizing it is also the ONE thing that can strengthen my faith to a level I didnt think existed.  :o)


"...The devil, your enemy, goes around like a roaring lion looking for someone to eat.  Refuse to give in to him, by standing strong in your faith. You know that your Christian family all over the world is having the same kinds of suffering."  ~ I Peter 5:8-9 NCV


"As you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so continue to live in him.  Keep your roots deep in him and have your lives built on him. Be strong in the faith, just as you were taught, and always be thankful."  ~ Colossians 2:6-7 NCV